So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
