I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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