btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
