it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
