I just threw up on my dentist
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
