i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The beer is more important than you right now.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
