Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
