I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
