you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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