You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
