Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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