If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
