i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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