He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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