my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
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