Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
