I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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