my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
