I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
