I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
