I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
