Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
