I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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