I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
