I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
