How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
