Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
