Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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