one two three fourrrrnication!
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
