Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
