why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
