come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
