I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
