I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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