mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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