Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
