Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
This toilet bowl is my home.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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