I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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