My underwear smells like fireworks.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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