i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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