I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
