My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
