I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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