He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
