My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
