im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
