Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
