god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
