Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
