he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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