New invention idea: vibrating tampons
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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