isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
