well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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