We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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