My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
