Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
